Some news to share…

So, this is happening. Oops, we did it again. Ha!

Ginger and Jameson are thrilled to announce they are expecting a little brother or sister!
photo credit: Vanessa Brack

When we excitedly told some family members a while back that we were expecting a third baby, one of them said, “oh, and are we happy about this?’ I wasn’t quite sure how to answer that….what kind of question is that?

YES OF COURSE WE ARE HAPPY ABOUT THIS!!!

photo credit: Virginia Lynn, edited by Vanessa Brack

If you had asked me when Jameson was 2 or 3 years old if we were having more babies, I would have emphatically told you “no way!”. And I meant it then. She was a lot. She’s still a lot. Keeping her alive is more work than when I was teaching 30 hormonal high schoolers in a classroom with no windows a decade ago. She is WILD in every sense of that word. And I love her for it. But when she didn’t have all of her vocabulary intact yet and thought it was really cool to shit her pants and throw food on the floor, the thought of adding a baby to that chaos made me want to run away to Antarctica and never return.

But then she turned 4. And while she was still wiiiiiiiild and crazy, she could use a toilet, she could feed herself, she could use her words to tell me or her sister what she wanted/needed, she had finally quit nursing, she slept all night, and she became more self-sufficient overall. So I started to get baby fever. I brushed it off at first….thinking it was due to the fact that I wasn’t taking doula clients the short ten months we lived in Rhode Island and wasn’t getting my “baby fix” so to speak. I assumed that once I went back to work and starting supporting pregnant women again, my baby fever would subside.

Except that it didn’t.

photo credit: Vanessa Brack

I kept wallowing in how big my girls had become….they had lost their chubby toddler cheeks, the little dimples on the backs of their hands, their chubby little legs, and their hair was getting thicker and thicker. They were riding bikes and hiking and riding horses and swimming like pros. Ginger started losing teeth (at age 6!) and Jameson decided she was cool with part-time preschool three days a week. My babies weren’t babies anymore and that made me sad.

I had finally reached the chapter of motherhood that I longed for when they were small, back when we were living in a small cottage in San Diego and I couldn’t find any space for myself or my thoughts. In those days, I was losing my mind to postpartum depression and rage in the absence of a village and support system and a husband that was hardly ever home (thanks, Marine Corps) while trying to care for a baby and a two year old. I was so tired then, I didn’t even realize how bad it was at the time nor did I seek any sort of support. We just survived it really. Pretty sure I was up to a full bottle wine at night and a full pot of coffee in the mornings during a LONG and horrendous deployment in 2016-2017. Survival, y’all.

photo credit: Vanessa Brack

And suddenly I remembered all those old ladies I wanted to punch when they told me “oh, you’ll miss these days…enjoy them!” while I was in the middle of juggling a toddler meltdown and a diaper blow-out at the same time on the sidewalk, or in the checkout line at Target. Even though I still wanted to punch them for not helping me in those moments, they were SO right. I DO miss those days, even though they were some of the hardest days of my entire 38 years. And the loneliest. I’ve never cried so much in my life and been so sleep deprived.

And it was in that moment of sad recollection that I truly and deeply understood how fast childhood goes and how significant motherhood is. It was abruptly so clear to me that nothing else mattered except my children, my little family, and the memories we were making. Not my work, not my gym life, not my accomplishments, not my furniture, not my photography….but my children. They only get one “go” at this childhood gig and it’s up to me to ensure it’s amazeballs, filled with love, and one that sets them up for success in adulthood. Was I giving them what they need thus far? Was I showing up every day with a full heart? I don’t know. I don’t think any mother can pull that off on the reg but I do think I was just surviving and not loving what life had so graciously given me. I took their health for granted, their laughs, their tininess, their curiosity, their growth….I didn’t see it for what it was at the time. I just kept looking forward to the next thing, the next milestone, the next chapter thinking it would get “better”. Except it was already GREAT. Just where I was…. absent husband, messy house, perpetually exhausted, always-behind-on-my-work, and overwhelmed. This was it. I was living. life. And a good one at that.

photo credit: Vanessa Brack

So there it was. I had finally settled into ‘motherhood’ and being a Mother. I finally felt like I could call myself that esteemed title. I finally felt like “Ginger’s mom” or “Jameson’s mom” when before I didn’t even answer to that title. I finally grasped how quickly time was going to cruise by us and they would be spreading their wings and leaving this nest I had made for them. I wanted time to slow down, to stop even, and to hold on to these small and fleeting moments longer. I missed their babyhood, their toddlerhood, their nursing days.

So, what does a Mother do when she feels like that?

SHE HAS ANOTHER BABY! 🙂

photo credit: Virginia Lynn, edited by Vanessa Brack

So, here we go….plunging back into babyhood and toddlerhood and all the chaos and mess and sleep deprivation that comes with that….because now I know, it’s over before you can say “oh shit”. And you miss those days. You miss them hard. And you never get them back.

I somehow managed to talk Skip into “just one more” little human in our house….but I know once he holds this little person in his arms, he will be just fine and so thankful my hormones got the best of me back in March!

And although I can’t wait to meet this little person, whomever he or she is, I am also savoring pregnancy, willing it to slow down….this time knowing how fast it goes and how likely I will never feel a little baby growing inside my belly ever again. Every kick makes me smile. Every time I walk by a mirror, I smile at this life growing too fast in my womb. Every time I am out of breath just walking up a hill, I thank the universe for my health and the ability to create one more human from scratch. What a magical super power women have.

It’s truly incredible, you guys. And, yes, we are so so happy about this!

photo credit: Vanessa Brack
photo credit: Vanessa Brack
photo credit: Virginia Lynn, edited by Vanessa Brack

#28weeks

} A huge thanks to my bestie, Vanessa Brack, who took most of the “pregnancy announcement” photos of the girls and me. She came all the way to New York from Arizona to visit this summer and brought along her camera. Ginger took the ones of Skip and me 🙂 {

3 thoughts on “Some news to share…

  1. I love everything about this! It makes me smile and tear up knowing all of those feelings and thinking no one else feels them. I remember feeling so lost… still sometimes feeling so so lost… yet I push though thinking one day… maybe just one more… and I hope I have the courage to do it. Cheers to you both and to those amazing girls!!!

    Like

  2. I love everything about this! It makes me smile and tear up knowing all of those feelings and thinking no one else feels them. I remember feeling so lost… still sometimes feeling so so lost… yet I push though thinking one day… maybe just one more… and I hope I have the courage to do it. Cheers to you both and to those amazing girls!!!

    Like

    1. Ah! I’m just now seeing this comment, Vanessa! So sorry!

      Motherhood is a trip, isn’t it? And nobody tells you that before. Since I never “chose” it, it was sort of theist upon me, it took me a long time to “settle in”. I kept fighting the changes I felt, mourning my old self. But then I realized this IS me… in a new and more fulfilling way. While I wish I could have discovered that feeling sooner, I’m thankful to be here. And I’m SO thankful for another baby in my arms, at my breast, in our home ❤️

      Sending you lots of love, especially on the hard days. We all have them. Anyone who tells you motherhood is a walk in the park is LYING to you 🙂

      Like

Leave a Reply to Vanessa Holliday Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s