How looking backwards in Motherhood evokes both grief and gratitude.

I was sitting with my youngest on the couch this afternoon after dropping her older sisters at the dance studio. She wanted to watch PBS Kids since she rarely has control of the remote and is able to chose what to watch (thanks, 12 year old sister).

She chose a sweet show called ‘Rosie’s Rules’. It feels like a newer generation of ‘Dora the Explorer’ with some Spanglish thrown around and Rosie solving problems like a tiny superhero.

I watched her watch this sweet LITTLE KID show. And it made me think back on the tiny San Diego Spanish bungalow we lived in when the older two were just 1 and 3 and it was kid shows all the time. Dora, Daniel Tiger, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Sophia the First, and Little Einsteins. Those shows used to get on my last nerve back then….the little squeaky voices, the random cheesy songs, and the never-ending saga of tiny kid problem-solving with a lesson learned at the end. All good things, I suppose….but this afternoon, I realized how much I MISS those years. And now the big girls watch stupid “teeny bopper” shows as I fondly refer to them as and they are even more annoying than the little kid shows!

But then, will I miss the “teeny bopper” shows when these girls don’t live in my house anymore? Will it feel like it feels now with the little kid shows?

The few times I think back on our season in San Diego, I usually feel a pit in my stomach and get slightly angry and resentful. Those years were HARD, and I was doing most of them by myself. Adding insult to injury were my family members and my husband’s family members who had lots of comment and opinions about our lifestyle and parenting choices.

I was juggling growing my business in a new city, with new clients, learning marketing and social media, and trying to keep up with client emails. I had so much to learn still about entrepreneurship and how to do that alongside Motherhood. It was a steep learning curve with no instruction manual and not many “helping hands” around me.

If someone offered me money to go back to those days in San Diego, I don’t think I’d do it. Even if it was an exorbitant amount of money. Those years almost broke me and definitely broke my marriage. There are so many photographs of my second baby from the time we lived there that I really don’t remember. I was in survival mode most of these years and didn’t realize it at the time. It was put one foot in front of the other day in and day out while running on fatigue, too much coffee and wine, and nursing a baby basically around the clock. Whew.

BUT, like every parent, I wish I knew when what I know now:
• that babies grow faster than you realize
• that toddlers are so much fun, really
• that your stroller will only be in your driveway for a few years
• that you will cry when you sell said stroller because your kids outgrew it
• that carseats suck but when they are gone, it’s because your babies are gone too
• that slowing down and playing with them is what you will remember years later
• that you won’t have to make 3 meals + eleventy billion snacks forever
• that cloth diapers are really the best, and cutest, and worth the work
• you WILL miss nursing that baby or toddler even though you want your body back
• you will look back in 10 years and literally be in awe of yourself that you DID IT
• you will mourn the loss of each chapter of your child’s childhood while simultaneously feeling so elated for what is to come, and who they become

It’s just such a mindfuck, this modern day Motherhood.
I don’t have a lot of regrets….but I do wish I had had more support and survival mode hadn’t stolen so much of that time. It hurts to not remember large chunks of my girls’ little lives.

If I could do it over again, I would work less and play more.
I would ditch a lot of the expectations I placed on myself.
I would learn how to process my emotions better.
I would hire more help for more Mom breaks.

But I also did a great job of keeping us all healthy, making sure we got as much sleep as we could, spent time outside a lot, continued to travel – I didn’t let those girls slow me down, rode my horse, went out with friends and kept dancing, kept working, created The Exposing the Silence Project, and somehow managed to keep us all alive.

So there’s that.

It’s all just flying by. So many things I did not understand when older Mothers/women would say them to me make sense now. It just. flies. by.
And there’s nothing you can do about it. You simply have to hang on and be as present as you possibly can. It’s so strange….it’s almost like those little babies that we care for aren’t here anymore even though they are in just older form. There truly is a lot of grief in Motherhood, looking at a photograph of my 10 year old when she was 8 months old and feeling like that 8 month old doesn’t exist as a person anymore….which is kind of true but of course not, she’s simply older.

Your mindset is everything in Motherhood. None of us have enough support. Well, I suppose some women do but most of us do not. We are asked to do the job of at least 5 people 24/7 and not even compensated in appreciation or gratitude or acknowledgment. It’s A LOT.

And we aren’t supposed to to complain about the lack of support either. We are supposed to be #blessed.

Well, I say fuck all that. I’ll keep talking about it even when my girls are Mothers themselves…..and for the very reason that they know they are not alone.

For now, I will soak up all the “little kid” shows I can, and hold my last baby as long as she will allow it, and let her snuggle up next to me at night as long as she’d like.

These babies really, truly don’t keep, and I don’t really know what to do about that except hang on for dear life.