Thoughts that have been surfacing in the past few months…
I feel like I always start every blog post with the following sentence: I do not get to write as much as I would like to. I love writing. I feel that my writing is not as good as it once was because my brain is so crowded with motherhood and running a business and a photography project and trying to save the world through improving maternity care in America that when I finally sit down to write, I am too tired and distracted to focus on turning my thoughts into words.
Always there is this balance I bounce between…being a 100% stay-at-home-mom sounds appealing on the days I am too tired and overwhelmed to focus on anything related to work. But then days go by that I am not working and I miss it. So much. And the breaks away from motherhood (like the one I’m taking right now in a wine bar) refresh my soul and my mind and fuel my creativity and passion. I know I don’t want to do either one full time. But the fluctuation between the two is confusing. I think it is normal…? I want another baby sometime later, I do. But then I think about starting all over again and wading through the slowness and fatigue that babies bring with them….the wakeful nights and the nursing nursing nursing and the diapers and the naps and all the things. But then there are tiny toes and fingers and little coos and tiny blankets and tiny pajamas and bald heads that smell like Heaven. And pregnancy. I love being pregnant. I love the anticipation that the impending birth of that unborn child brings. I love envisioning what that baby might look like or act like or smile like. It is a magical season but an exhausting one. I used to say I wanted four kiddos but the energy required to make that happen sounds overwhelming. Much like all the photo shoots I have to edit right now….bleh.
Watching two sisters who are so very different from each other grow alongside one another is just about the coolest thing I’ve ever experienced. The goodnight hugs and kisses, the asking for one another upon wake-up in the mornings and the occasional sharing of toys…it is a pretty awesome thing to witness: two little humans you made from scratch and grew in your belly become their own little people and interact with each other. It is unreal.
These babes grow so fast… Ugh. Life moves at light speed when you are raising babies. But look how cute they are and all the funny and awesome things they do. Some days, I don’t feel like “mom”; I look at them and wonder where they came from and why they are in my care. And then other days, “mom” feels so familiar and natural, like it’s always been my normal. But then I have to fish inanimate objects out of the toilet and I remember, “no, no this is NOT normal”!