Deployment. Ugh. Means so much to many different people. Some are welcomed, some are feared, some are dreaded, some are ‘old hat’. But any of the ways you perceive them, they still suck. This will be my third one to endure but second one I dread. I am anxious, sad, grumpy, irritable and just plain annoyed. I don’t think it’s normal or healthy to be apart for months at a time from your most favorite person and the most wonderful baby daddy you could possibly dream up. I think a much better choice would be for our military to stay here and protect this land we call home rather than leave us and babysit another. That’s just my personal opinion that I realize may not be shared by all.
I want him to stay. I want him to see baby girl crawl, to see her walk. I am also aware of families that have missed births, many birthdays and other important life events and it’s all relative. In my current perspective, I don’t want him to leave. But he will…in four days. Bleh. The past three weeks have been a wonderful break from everyday life together and this week is an extra bonus week that a lot of families may not always get right before a deployment. But in the back of my mind is the reminder that it is limited, going-to-be-over-before-I-know-it time. It’s inevitable that I have to say goodbye to this prince of mine on Friday and then drive back to an empty, quiet house. I have a baby girl that lights up and immediately starts giggling the moment she sees her daddy’s face that will knowingly miss that handsome face no matter how many times people tell me she won’t. He has taught her so much in her short seven and a half months and I know no matter how hard I try, I cannot fill his shoes and who he is to her.
This is not intended to be a self-pity post or a cry for sympathy but just a place to let out the frustration I feel with military life. I am not alone…I have plenty of friends who have been down this road more times than I with more children than one. But I still strongly dislike it and long for the day when I can sit on the porch of a farm house a million miles from a base with this man I will forever love and watch our kids play in the yard knowing one hundred percent that he is not leaving us for a foreign country at the government’s request. One day…
Until then, I will savor every moment I have with him and live each day to its fullest soaking up all he is to me and baby girl. I do look forward to the traveling I’ll be able to enjoy while he’s gone but if I had to trade, I’d trade anything for every day with him. Damn deployment – I sure as hell hope you’re the last one.